You know how we always get told, ‘everything happens for a reason’, ‘God doesn’t make mistakes’, ‘Gods plans shouldn’t be questioned’, etc. However, its so hard even with having a great faith to stay true to that and not wonder why and question so many things. I’ve been here for over 3 years. Quite often wondering and questioning ‘why me?’. Why did I have a stroke 3 weeks after my miracle baby was born and almost die and have my life shattered and ripped out from under me at 27 years old? Tell me, what is a good plan that includes that? How could that not have been a mistake? I was an okay person, I did my civic duties, lived a generally Christian and moral life, didn’t intentionally cause harm to anyone. So, why me?
I’ve said it before though, and now I’ll say it again but I also finally sort of understand. Why not me? I was in church this morning and the homily really hit home and finally made me see the greater picture. We were told about a woman who lived her life feeling sad and alone and depressed, and overcome in her own grief – she jumped out of a 5th floor window and tried to take her life. She was unsuccessful. She was left paralyzed, but alive. She said she had a dream, and in this dream Jesus appeared to her; his message to her was this, ‘you had a healthy body but a crippled soul, now you have a crippled body but will have a healthy soul’. What did I take from this and why am I saying I finally understand my situation?
I, too, was depressed. I wasn’t depressed enough to try to take my life. I may have seemed generally happy, but I think much like most of the general public, I was muddling through my life with a ‘crippled soul’ always searching for something more. Always thinking something could get better and failing to fully appreciate all that I really did have. Then God gave me a wake up call. He made me wake up and realize what I stood to lose, as I woke up partially paralyzed, unable to talk or eat, unable to hold my baby. My recovery has surpassed everyone’s expectations and been called miraculous. My doctors have been unable to definitively find an explanation for my stroke. An otherwise healthy 27 year old having a massive brainstem ischemic stroke, 3 weeks post a reasonably healthy pregnancy and delivery.
I now believe that I too, was given a ‘crippled body’ in exchange for a chance to make myself have a ‘healthy soul’. Where most people would have used this health decline as an excuse to draw further away from church and to lose faith in God; I actually did the opposite. I’ve been given a chance to give back. To help improve the lives of others. A chance to live my life in service to Him. I think that’s a pretty good plan and reason for something bad to happen.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Remember, nobody is feeding you a line to make you feel better when they tell you God doesn’t make mistakes, or he has a plan. My stroke wasn’t an accident. I have to make the best of it.